From my earliest memory, I wanted nothing more than to be a mommy. My favorite childhood toys were blocks and furniture that I could turn into large homes for all the children my Fisher Price parents had. My sister and I shared a room growing up, and one of our favorite things to do when we were supposed to be falling asleep was to play 'house'. In the dark, with hushed voices, we created our families. Hers were always very wealthy, with a single child-a little girl with her own horse. My family was always of modest means, with several children, and always a mom at home. We were light years apart in our idea of family.
I couldn't wait until I was a mom. I loved babysitting and helping with the children's church or the nursery classes. I envisioned myself teaching my own children about Jesus and being the proud mommy coming into the building with my own not -so-little brood in tow. I was never a stellar student in school, because I had plans for my future that did not require a working concept of trigonometry or knowing the inner workings of a poor little creature on a dissection table. My future was not going to involve college or a career. I planned on being a homemaker, raising my many precious children and keeping a tidy home for my hard working husband who supported us. It was my dream, my plan, my goal. I never wanted anything else for my life. I never imagined my story would be so very different.
I fell in love and married the man I thought I would have all those children with. On our wedding day in 1984 I began praying for the many children God would bless me with.
Life was not easy. We were young and immature. Love is not always enough when it comes to married life. The frustration and pain of month after month of negative results weighed on us. My cycles changed and became dangerous at times. I went through test after test and drug after drug to try to achieve a pregnancy. The one thing I had dreamed of my whole life was always just out of my reach.
My friends were all so compassionate, but they were having babies of their own. I was still sure that I would be the next one to announce a child on the way, and I was able to be happy for them. I was able to hold their babies and share their joy, just knowing that I would be next. But year after year came and I never made the announcement. I began to pull away from children. It was unnoticeable at first-less time in the church nursery, more time meeting with friends when their children wouldn't be around.
Was I so bad that God couldn't bless me with children? If children were a reward from God, then what horrible thing had I done that I didn't deserve a reward? I clung to verse after verse in the Bible but they did not always bring comfort. Mistakes were made and our marriage eventually crumbled beyond saving. My life had taken a turn that I had not imagined, or ever planned for. Where was the happily ever after? My quiver full of children? My dream?
After the divorce I met Craig. I had grown up quite a bit through my first marriage and new that this marriage would last. Early in our relationship he told me that he had had a vasectomy several years before. I didn't let that alter my love. God could work through even that if He wanted to give me children. I had faith the size of many mustard seeds!
We were married on June 29th, 1991. My prayers continued daily for a baby. Craig had a son from his first marriage but was willing to do what needed to be done to make my dream come true. I prayed, I cried, I begged. I dealt with erratic cycles and bleeding that would continue for months on end. Doctors suggested a hysterectomy. I couldn't; I knew that would be the end of my dream.
We made several attempts in the early years of marriage to adopt, but my heart was never really in it. I wanted my baby to have Craig's nose, my eyes, my dad's chin. My prayers continued daily but they began to change. I prayed for God to take away the desire for a baby.
Around 1996 we discovered that an income we had come to rely on would soon be gone. For several weeks I was barely functioning, fearing the unknown. Then I heard God's audible, spoken word! I know it was not in my head. The voice said, 'start a daycare'. After a few seconds of shock I responded, “but I don't even like kids.” I had put up a wall to protect my heart from pain. But God had other plans. He was going to fill my life with children if it killed me!
The first week I opened the daycare I filled every available spot. The first group of children that the Lord brought to our home needed us as badly as we needed them. They were all from broken homes. For a time I was busy taking care of these little people and teaching them the things I longed to teach my own babies. I nearly forgot about the ache in my heart. The house was filled with chatter and laughter; toys littered the floor and crumbs covered the table. We treated them like our own. One young man, whom I prayed with every day before dropping him off at kindergarten, is now in the military. One sweet little girl came to accept Christ through the seed I planted. She told me if it hadn't been for me she would never have met Jesus.
There was also the year my brother and sister-in-law gave me my first niece. Another baby for someone other than me. Unfortunately I allowed my misery to keep me from making the trip to meet her. I didn't know what God was doing. We attempted an adoption through the State of Oregon, and the caseworker shut us down after we voiced our Christian convictions. My desire still burned away. I prayed for a baby; then I prayed for Him to remove the desire. I was miserable in my turmoil.
By 1998 I had reached a new low. I was mentally exhausted, caring for a couple of difficult children, and physically the almost constant bleeding was taking its toll. I told a friend what was happening and she paved the way for me to be prayed over at a church in town. The whole congregation laid hands on me and prayed and I knew God was filling the room! Bu the next day the bleeding had stopped and all my symptoms of endometriosis disappeared!
Over the course of the next two years my cycles began to normalize. By this time my sister-in-law was pregnant with my nephew. Then I found out my sister was pregnant. They never wanted children and I couldn't stand listening to her complain. I was angry at God for His newest cruel joke in my life. But through it all I was able to see the joy that baby would bring. My niece and I have a very special bond.
Craig had a vasectomy reversal in 2001, and I continued to babysit and see my precious niece, Jacqueline, almost daily. When she was with me I could almost forget that my heart was dying for want of my own baby. Almost.
In 2005, I realized that other than one little girl, I had no joy in running a daycare, so I closed down and began cleaning houses full time. I was busy, and my ache dulled for a time.
Then in March, 2009, I was talking to a friend who had met a pregnant woman at church who was looking for someone to adopt her baby. She had told the woman about me and Craig and she had seemed interested.
That night I spoke with the young mother, and we set up a time to meet. A couple days later, in her small apartment, she told us she wanted us to take her baby. Could I be hearing right? Was it my imagination? Was my life-long dream about to come true?!
I began going to each doctor visit. I heard the heart beat-my baby's heart beat. We found out it was a boy-our Liam Jesse. We worried that the biological father and grandfather were going to try to take the baby, and it would not have been a good place for that precious little boy. I worried and stressed and prayed, and two weeks before Liam's birth, both men were arrested. God had protected my baby.
We did a mountain of paperwork, read books, visited doctors, found an attorney. Then on October 6, 2009, the day my life changed forever, we got the call to come to the hospital-we missed his arrival by 20 minutes, and when we got there they were taking his prints. Then he was in my arms. I was holding a tiny person who was going to depend on me to feed him, clothe him, kiss his boo boo's and who would one day call me mommy. It was overwhelming!
I have heard that the pain of labor is forgotten when the baby is laid in the mothers arms. The pain of the past 25 years, 2 months and 8 days was gone the second I took that baby from the nurse. And on December 30th , 2009 the judge signed the paperwork-Liam was ours! We were his parents and I was finally, officially and legally a mommy!
Life with Liam is everything I imagined and so much more! I cherish every hug, every giggle, every drippy wet kiss, every hand print on the glass. My days are full of being a mommy.
Each night, I stand by his crib watching him sleep. I still get teary eyed at times. There, with his little bottom in the air, little feet tucked up underneath and little sides moving in and out with each soft breath, lies my heart's desire, my answered prayer, my miracle. My baby.
I couldn't wait until I was a mom. I loved babysitting and helping with the children's church or the nursery classes. I envisioned myself teaching my own children about Jesus and being the proud mommy coming into the building with my own not -so-little brood in tow. I was never a stellar student in school, because I had plans for my future that did not require a working concept of trigonometry or knowing the inner workings of a poor little creature on a dissection table. My future was not going to involve college or a career. I planned on being a homemaker, raising my many precious children and keeping a tidy home for my hard working husband who supported us. It was my dream, my plan, my goal. I never wanted anything else for my life. I never imagined my story would be so very different.
I fell in love and married the man I thought I would have all those children with. On our wedding day in 1984 I began praying for the many children God would bless me with.
Life was not easy. We were young and immature. Love is not always enough when it comes to married life. The frustration and pain of month after month of negative results weighed on us. My cycles changed and became dangerous at times. I went through test after test and drug after drug to try to achieve a pregnancy. The one thing I had dreamed of my whole life was always just out of my reach.
My friends were all so compassionate, but they were having babies of their own. I was still sure that I would be the next one to announce a child on the way, and I was able to be happy for them. I was able to hold their babies and share their joy, just knowing that I would be next. But year after year came and I never made the announcement. I began to pull away from children. It was unnoticeable at first-less time in the church nursery, more time meeting with friends when their children wouldn't be around.
Was I so bad that God couldn't bless me with children? If children were a reward from God, then what horrible thing had I done that I didn't deserve a reward? I clung to verse after verse in the Bible but they did not always bring comfort. Mistakes were made and our marriage eventually crumbled beyond saving. My life had taken a turn that I had not imagined, or ever planned for. Where was the happily ever after? My quiver full of children? My dream?
After the divorce I met Craig. I had grown up quite a bit through my first marriage and new that this marriage would last. Early in our relationship he told me that he had had a vasectomy several years before. I didn't let that alter my love. God could work through even that if He wanted to give me children. I had faith the size of many mustard seeds!
We were married on June 29th, 1991. My prayers continued daily for a baby. Craig had a son from his first marriage but was willing to do what needed to be done to make my dream come true. I prayed, I cried, I begged. I dealt with erratic cycles and bleeding that would continue for months on end. Doctors suggested a hysterectomy. I couldn't; I knew that would be the end of my dream.
We made several attempts in the early years of marriage to adopt, but my heart was never really in it. I wanted my baby to have Craig's nose, my eyes, my dad's chin. My prayers continued daily but they began to change. I prayed for God to take away the desire for a baby.
Around 1996 we discovered that an income we had come to rely on would soon be gone. For several weeks I was barely functioning, fearing the unknown. Then I heard God's audible, spoken word! I know it was not in my head. The voice said, 'start a daycare'. After a few seconds of shock I responded, “but I don't even like kids.” I had put up a wall to protect my heart from pain. But God had other plans. He was going to fill my life with children if it killed me!
The first week I opened the daycare I filled every available spot. The first group of children that the Lord brought to our home needed us as badly as we needed them. They were all from broken homes. For a time I was busy taking care of these little people and teaching them the things I longed to teach my own babies. I nearly forgot about the ache in my heart. The house was filled with chatter and laughter; toys littered the floor and crumbs covered the table. We treated them like our own. One young man, whom I prayed with every day before dropping him off at kindergarten, is now in the military. One sweet little girl came to accept Christ through the seed I planted. She told me if it hadn't been for me she would never have met Jesus.
There was also the year my brother and sister-in-law gave me my first niece. Another baby for someone other than me. Unfortunately I allowed my misery to keep me from making the trip to meet her. I didn't know what God was doing. We attempted an adoption through the State of Oregon, and the caseworker shut us down after we voiced our Christian convictions. My desire still burned away. I prayed for a baby; then I prayed for Him to remove the desire. I was miserable in my turmoil.
By 1998 I had reached a new low. I was mentally exhausted, caring for a couple of difficult children, and physically the almost constant bleeding was taking its toll. I told a friend what was happening and she paved the way for me to be prayed over at a church in town. The whole congregation laid hands on me and prayed and I knew God was filling the room! Bu the next day the bleeding had stopped and all my symptoms of endometriosis disappeared!
Over the course of the next two years my cycles began to normalize. By this time my sister-in-law was pregnant with my nephew. Then I found out my sister was pregnant. They never wanted children and I couldn't stand listening to her complain. I was angry at God for His newest cruel joke in my life. But through it all I was able to see the joy that baby would bring. My niece and I have a very special bond.
Craig had a vasectomy reversal in 2001, and I continued to babysit and see my precious niece, Jacqueline, almost daily. When she was with me I could almost forget that my heart was dying for want of my own baby. Almost.
In 2005, I realized that other than one little girl, I had no joy in running a daycare, so I closed down and began cleaning houses full time. I was busy, and my ache dulled for a time.
Then in March, 2009, I was talking to a friend who had met a pregnant woman at church who was looking for someone to adopt her baby. She had told the woman about me and Craig and she had seemed interested.
That night I spoke with the young mother, and we set up a time to meet. A couple days later, in her small apartment, she told us she wanted us to take her baby. Could I be hearing right? Was it my imagination? Was my life-long dream about to come true?!
I began going to each doctor visit. I heard the heart beat-my baby's heart beat. We found out it was a boy-our Liam Jesse. We worried that the biological father and grandfather were going to try to take the baby, and it would not have been a good place for that precious little boy. I worried and stressed and prayed, and two weeks before Liam's birth, both men were arrested. God had protected my baby.
We did a mountain of paperwork, read books, visited doctors, found an attorney. Then on October 6, 2009, the day my life changed forever, we got the call to come to the hospital-we missed his arrival by 20 minutes, and when we got there they were taking his prints. Then he was in my arms. I was holding a tiny person who was going to depend on me to feed him, clothe him, kiss his boo boo's and who would one day call me mommy. It was overwhelming!
I have heard that the pain of labor is forgotten when the baby is laid in the mothers arms. The pain of the past 25 years, 2 months and 8 days was gone the second I took that baby from the nurse. And on December 30th , 2009 the judge signed the paperwork-Liam was ours! We were his parents and I was finally, officially and legally a mommy!
Life with Liam is everything I imagined and so much more! I cherish every hug, every giggle, every drippy wet kiss, every hand print on the glass. My days are full of being a mommy.
Each night, I stand by his crib watching him sleep. I still get teary eyed at times. There, with his little bottom in the air, little feet tucked up underneath and little sides moving in and out with each soft breath, lies my heart's desire, my answered prayer, my miracle. My baby.